Creep Central

No, this post isn't about another creepy BYU date. Sorry. Maybe I'll dish out a few more of those soon.

This is about the creepiest thing about me, Danica Anne.

Most of you probably know I'm a geek right? I own more Star Wars paraphernalia than your average citizen. The guy at Gold's Gym actually referred to me as "Star Wars Girl" on Monday because I'm always wearing a Star Wars shirt to the gym. I was flattered.

Many of you know that I like gore and violence - of the zombie flavor in particular. Walking Dead, World War Z, Quarantine, Pride & Prejudice & Zombies, etc.

But I have a love/obsession even worse than these. Definitely the creepiest thing about me.

Since high school I've been in love with the Thomas Harris "Hannibal" series. Yes, the one with the cannibal serial killer. The more popular movies (Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal, Manhunter/Red Dragon/Hannibal Rising) were based on his amazing books - which I've read many times.(I own them all if anyone is interested in reading them with me?.. no? .... no one?)

Obviously I wouldn't say I LOVE the cannibalism. I could definitely live without it. That's not what I'm there for. I love the mystery and suspense, the crime drama, the psychological elements. I love the characterization and how Dr. Hannibal Lecter becomes almost a protagonist.  I love the philosophical questions the books pose about what is "good" and the struggle to develop and follow a personal moral compass.

I love them. I love these books and movies. I love the story. I have an entire playlist dedicated to it. I've read a disgusting amount of fan fiction.

So I was beyond stoked to see that NBC has picked up a pilot season of the show Hannibal - about the relationship between Hannibal and famed detective Will Graham. This will fill the open space between the end of Hannibal Rising and the flashbacks in Red Dragon of Will catching Hannibal.

Here is the problem. The Beard is somehow morally opposed to violent films about cannibalism. He's adopted The Office, Star Wars, Harry Potter and even Star Trek. But he draws the line at Hannibal. I think it's pretty rude.

What I'm trying to say here is that the Beard needs a hobby that gets him out of the house for an hour or two each weeks so I can watch my creepy, morally objectionable TV show. Someone needs to start some sort of Fantasy Baseball Anonymous meetings or weekly Starcraft practice.

I'm also looking for best supporting actors in the role of Danica's Creepy Friend Who Watches Hannibal. And Maybe Reads the Books, Too.

Any takers?

I Knew Going to FHE was a Bad Idea.

This is a story about when I realized that the Beard was IT. I thought it apropos since it's Valentine's week and all. **Incidentally it is also the story of one of the worst dates I've ever been on.**

Background

The Beard and I met in August 2009. We started hanging out in October and kissed in December. It was still really casual and cautious, and in March we both decided independently to be gone for the summer - Ryan in Arizona and me in England. We hung out more and more in April, realizing we really liked each other in the face of departure.

A week after we first met - the night he got my digits. Epic. 

The night before he left for Arizona, at the end of April, we had a really good talk about our expectations for the summer. We weren't even bf/gf at that point, so doing the long distance thing was clearly out of the question. The Beard was a bit of a commitment-phobe at the time and I had reservations about that. I also knew that he was going down there with his single dude posse, and that there would undoubtedly be  just scores of hot Arizona girls to occupy their limited down time.

As for me, this was the first summer that I didn't take classes and two months before I left. I was incredibly excited about have a "real" summer and though I really liked Ryan, I wasn't going to waste my summer stressing about a boy that wasn't here.

So we decided to have an awesome summer, stay in touch if we wanted to, and see what September brought back, with equal parts hope and pessimism.

FHE/DATE MARKET

Ryan left on a Sunday. Monday I got up, went to work, and had a very regular day. No tears, no sadness. I was pretty sure Ryan was going to forget about me and I can't STAND feeling clingy. I just decided to get over it, expect nothing, have fun and not even think about him. There were new adventures ahead.

When I got home, my cute roommate Natalie was getting ready for FHE and invited me to come. I LOLed a little.

Fun Fact About Danica: HATES Singles Wards. Hates FHE. I was semi inactive while in college, because I hated going to church so bad. I went to every farewell in Springville/Mapleton, went to my home ward often, and left early from my singles ward all the time.

Still. I was committed to meeting new people and having a blast this summer, so I went. Big mistake. I don't remember what we did, but we sat down in the big circle of chairs and instantly some boys came over to talk to us. I looked up and was instantly drawn to one of the guys, who saw me looking and walked toward me, smiling.

"Wow." I thought. "They really were right about singles wards. I am having a Taylor Swift moment with a guy I've never met. All because of FHE."

He sits down next to me, we exchange names and small talk, and then the Bishop gets up to start the lesson/activity/whatever we were doing. We quiet down. I was trying to be as charming as possible, obviously.

My mind is going a mile a minute. "What was that connection? Did he feel it? Don't get ahead of yourself, Crazy, he could have a girlfriend. Could I even date someone in my ward? That's an awkward story to tell our kids we met in a singles ward." Don't act like you haven't done this embarrassing thought train route before.

But then I started to notice all my judgy little things. "That's weird... why would I be attracted to a guy in construction-style dirty boots? Wait a minute. Those are Bugle Boy jeans. His hat is camouflage. What. What. What."

Let me be clear. I have no issue with many of those observations. It's just not my type. I was starting to question my mental health. Then he started talking again.

"Do you like Mexican food? I need a date for this week and I'd sure like to get some Cafe Rio!"

How did I not notice his hick accent before? And did he really just ask me out within 5 minutes of knowing me? I even thought I was attracted to this guy. I'm going crazy. I must be.

I accepted, because I will always accept a first date. Always. Any single girl who doesn't is a B*TCH. Who do you think you are, turning down a guy who worked up the courage to compliment you with a date?

As we left FHE, I'm in this weird shock. What just happened? I thought I had a legitimate connection with this guy. Am I crazy? He's 0% my type. The more I talked to him, the less I liked him.

Plus he was clearly fresh off his mission - he brought it up like 100 times and asked what my favorite scripture was. All the more apparent during our date... dun-dun-dunnnnnnnnnnnn...

THE DATE

The next morning he sent me a very next follow-up text. With one too many winky-faces. How many you ask? One. I'm mean. I know he was just trying to be nice. But a winky face is always creepy.

Two days later, he would pick me up 20 minutes early for our date (WORSE THAN BEING LATE) and proceed to offer a prayer over our Cafe Rio meal in the middle of the restaurant. Yes.  As always at Cafe Rio, there were no less than 10 people I knew there, watching. No that I'm ashamed of praying. I pray. Oh, do I pray. But am I wrong in thinking that maybe in the middle of Cafe Rio on a first date might not be the appropriate time/place for a verbal prayer? Regardless, I bowed my head and prayed with him.

The REALIZATION

After dinner, I politely declined his offer to watch a movie at his place. It seemed weird at 6 pm on a Wednesday night. Also he probably only watched the Living Scriptures, and man, sometimes Laman and Lemuel are just too much for me, you know?

I walked back into my apartment is disbelief. What a dismal date from such optimistic beginnings. 

So what was going on? What did it mean?!!!!

At that precise moment of confusion, my other roommate, Becca, walks up. I told her I just went on a date with that kid from FHE.

"WHAT? That guy talking your ear off all night? He totally reminded me of Ryan! He looks so much like him!"



........


Well.



There it is.

He had Ryan's same color and shape of eyes.  Brown hair. Big football guy build.

Bingo.

So I'm not gonna say that was the moment I gave up dating, because I went out with a handful of guys in those two months before England. But it was.

Cafe Rio prayer guy reminded me that there was no one quite like Ryan, and that I wanted to see where that went. I'm really glad the Beard felt the same way and spent his summer texting me between houses.

Because it went here.

Dating for Dummies: Married Edition

We had the best date night last Monday. So great that it made us realize how lame we normally are with our date nights. We do really easy, comfortable, familiar things usually. At least we are good about having a "date night" once a week, I guess.

Anyway. If you're like us and need to spruce up the ol' date night, we somehow succeeded. Here are the key elements, as I see it.

Plan it in advance. Think back to your days of "Planned, Paired Off and Paid For." Even if it's simple, a little planning and scheduling in advance is the best. It's something to put on the calendar and look forward to. 

(The Beard got tickets to this Jazz game in the Larry H. Miller Suite a few weeks ago. So fun.)

Make the transportation part of your date - whether that's taking a scenic route, parking and walking a few blocks to your restaurant, or listening to specific music in the car makes that time more memorable.

(We took the Trax from Sandy to Downtown - neither of us being big Trax users. Best people watching of all time. We also did a Backstreet Boys singalong on the way home, but that's pretty normal.)

Do something new, like a restaurant you've never tried or a store you've never been in.

(Z'Tejas was a last minute decision but the giant bowl of guacamole made right at our table was the highlight of my night. It's rare that I can weasel the Beard out of Italian and into Mexican food, so when it's yummy I rub it in.)

Positive Conversation is where it's at. Focus on things you love, things you're excited for and retelling old stories. 

(We have been trying so hard to not complain about our jobs, and it's paying off. We talked about our families, Christmas plans, single girls to set our single guys up with, and of course Glen Coco.)

And finally, the best discovery I made was actually an unfortunate accident. 

And the reason I have no pictures. Not even of my outfit. I wore a Star Wars graphic tee, blazer, cropped pants and leopard studded loafers. Definitely outfit-post worthy, but we missed it. Just imagine it, would you? Here's my outfit today anyways. Not as cute. Much more teacher-y. But I finally got a polka dot sweater! Blogger win!

Puppy: Heaven, sweater: Forever 21, chambray shirt: Old Navy, pants: Gap, boots: Forever Young

Turn your phone off, leave it in the car, silent mode, whatever you need to do. You become so much more mentally present and engaged when your phone/Twitter/Instagram isn't buzzing in the back of your mind.

At first I was bummed that I couldn't post a pic and live tweet the game, but it only lasted about a minute. Once I realized I didn't have to check my phone constantly and could give the Beard my full attention, the night just took off. 

I realized that THAT is what a date truly is. Devoting your attention to one person for a few hours to show them you care and really want to know them. After 7 years of dating you would think I'd have figured that out by now.

Well I've figured it out now. And I'm super excited for more phone-less dates with that bearded guy I like.

A Non-Gushy Anniversary Post (You're Welcome)

Today is our 1 year anniversary. This time last year we were cutting the cake, throwing my bouquet, retrieving my garter, cramming into the photobooth with my cousins and sucking down Diet Coke between hugs. The best day of my life.

I'm not going to post the million reasons why I love the Beard. Believe it or not, we talk in person regularly, so we actually share that with one another. The internet doesn't really care.

We are going on a small getaway trip next week, so we just spent our anniversary very low key - attending our new AWESOME ward, watching baseball and making delicious fajitas. A very Holdaway Sunday.

I'm just sharing how amazing temple marriage can be. I feel so safe, happy and reassured that the Beard and I have done everything right and now we can be together forever. Hey, if we made it through the first year, we're good to go, right? That's what they say, anyways. :)

My Little "Bro"-ny

When you get married and move in with someone, there is a learning curve. Not only do you need to learn to schedule sleeping, showering, eating, laundry, and all those basic life things, but you also learn all of the weird little things that are part of your spouse's identity. Often these things weren't super obvious when you were dating. SURPRISE.

For Ryan, I imagine he had to get used to the way I spaz run/yell when I realize I'm running late or excited, my enthusiastic Just Dance every day after school, and how vital it is that I never get cold. I turn into the White Witch.

For me, I would have never guessed I would ever know so much about the online gaming community. I knew The Beard played StarCraft when we dated, but usually he did that after he got home from hanging out with me. Once we were married and living together, it became part of my life too. I can now proudly say that I know the entire timeline of Blizzard Games, I've played League of Legends (and I'm terrible at it) and I understand the legacy of Tassadar.

But here's the most disturbing thing. My Little Pony - Friendship is Magic. Yes. You read that right. Apparently, and I still can't explain this, the active demographic of viewers for this show are males age 15-35. Gamers.

Does this make sense to anyone? No. Because it's inexplicable. Before you ask me, no, there aren't any sexual innuendos, secret meanings, coded messages, etc. It's a real cartoon aimed at little girls. But somehow these men started watching it and love it.

They fondly refer to themselves as "Bronies."

I watched part of an episode on Netflix with the Beard on Saturday. It's a pretty cute show, all about the magic of friendship, being nice, being yourself and all that jazz. Still, though, I don't understand why these Bronies keep watching it and more importantly, HOW IN THE WORLD DID THEY START WATCHING IT?



This is a real thing, you guys. I don't understand it. I can't explain it. But I love The Beard. Even if he watches little girl cartoons. I watch 60s Star Trek and love Hannibal the Cannibal, so I guess I can't talk...

Summer Fever

Each day gets more and more beautiful. Each day the kids get more and more antsy. Each day we count down the remaining number of days that they'll have their butts in my seats.

Summer is so close I can almost taste it. Well, I can taste it. I have been having grapefruit for breakfast every day and it just feels so summery. I am pulling out my wedges and flouncy skirts. My gladiators beg me to wear them each morning.

Last night was warm and gorgeous. We took advantage of a beautiful evening drive and the 1/2 off Sonic shakes after 8 pm. We hit the swings at Mapleton Park and just enjoyed the warm air and cricket soundtrack.

As I posted about my outfit planning earlier this week, I thought I might try some outfit pics. The Beard laughed and laughed and made fun of me, but we had a great time.

Warm summer nights with my best friend? Marriage is the best.

Sometimes, Always, Never - PDA

I think we can safely say that it is actually spring, and LOVE IS IN THE AIR.

I have come to a horrifying conclusion: PDA is much more tolerable at the Junior High than at BYU. Why? Why is this the case? Young kids are supposed to be passionate and lack judgement. Adults are supposed to be mature and in control of their emotions. I have a few theories.

1. BYU kids have never had boyfriends/girlfriends before ("I DON'T DATE NONMEMBERS...") so this new and fun kissing thing is simply irresistable.
2. College kids treat campus like their home - sleeping everwhere, eating anywhere, walking around in sweats and Uggs with no shame, so why wouldn't they suck face in the SWKT quad?
3. In the frenzied married culture of BYU makes having a significant other an extreme social triumph. They feel so proud and also terrified that it may be temporary, so they try their hardest to prove it to themselves and others.
4. At the Junior High, the weird and nerdy kids are still afraid of the opposite sex, so they aren't the ones participating in PDA. Not the case at BYU. It tends to be ONLY the weird, unfortunate-looking kids. Shoot me in the face before I see two Engineering students clearly using tongue for the first time.

It makes me want to do this. Click it. It's the best PDA video I've ever seen.

Also, maybe we should issue some of these.

Let's lay down some groundrules, shall we?

SOMETIMES

I hate seeing people kiss in public. But now being married I guess I get it more. Smooching should only be used if you are saying goodbye for the day. It should be brief, hands-free and ONLY a peck. Also, you don't need to kiss goodbye before every class. You just don't.

Hand-holding. Only acceptable if you are walking around with your significant other. BYU students love to do this thing where they hold hands during class or while they're eating or across the table at the library. WTF? Really? Are they going to disappear the moment you stop touching them?

ALWAYS

I have never minded the hug. I hug. I'm not a "huggy" person, but I hug. Keep it short and sweet, and it's a great way to say hello and goodbye. Hug away my friends.

Cheek smooching. I've always thought this was incredibly classy.

Also, forehead smooching. It's so sweet.

NEVER

This is going to be a long list, so try to keep up.

Multiple kisses.

Making out.

Tongue.

For the love of all that is good, STOP MAKING GOOGLY EYES.

Bum-goosing. Also known as bum-cooching, spanking, squeezing. Sorry I just used all those words.

Winking. I think we can all agree we're crossing over into sex offender territory here.

Cuddling. Why are you spooning in Brigham Square? Whyyyyyyy?

Caressing in any form. This includes cheek stroking.

Did I miss any? What crazy PDA have you seen? Is UVU as bad as BYU? I sure hope not.

How Getting Married Solved All My Thanksgiving Problems

There's no better time than the holidays to engage in awkward personal conversations under the pretenses of "love and concern." Though us Mormons don't get plastered and act inappropriately, we find ways to compensate. In addition to awkward conversation, I've found that large amounts of stress somehow find their way to me in the kitchen.

The solution to all of this? Marriage. Sorry @MormonGirlProbs. But it's just another thing to look forward to, right?

The first advantage I noted was the limited amount of time I had to spend in the kitchen. Usually, I would come home Wednesday night and spend that time and all day Thursday cleaning, prepping and escalating the stress in general just by virtue of my presence. Not this year. I showed up a little early to help (still dealing with inevitable stress and basic paranoia). I even got to bring something!

Secret Danica Holdaway fact: Hates pumpkin, banana cream and coconut cream pies. All the traditional Thanksgiving desserts. So I brought a dessert that I actually liked - Caramel Apple Cheesecakes. Thank you Pinterest.

During dinner, the second advantage became apparent. No longer was I forced to bear questions of "So, are you dating?" "I heard whats-her-name is getting married..." "You're turning 21, have you thought about a mission?" Even the harmless and less awkward school/BYU questions are dropped when you get married. And for the time being we're young and newly-married enough to preempt the pregnancy questions. So cheers!

Clean up? See ya later! We now get to duck out of one dinner before clean up and arrive at the other conveniently AFTER clean up. Yahtzee.

Since we got engaged I've greatly appreciated the doubled family. It's great to get to see both of them. We're so lucky to have them both close. But on Thanksgiving, not only do we enjoy the company of two families, but the delicious desserts of each. The best of both worlds, if you will.

Goodbyes Are Such B*tches, You Guys.

I don't know who decided to fill my dream summer with bittersweet moments, but it wasn't me. And don't start into the whole "You can't have the bitter without the sweet." I know. I get it. But still. I spent a decent amount of my summer saying goodbye to things I loved.

First, The Office. Well, The Office as it should be. I WILL still be following The Office this fall, without Michael Scott. But we all know it will never be the same. Laugh all you want at Little Miss Danica, but The Office means a lot to me. It defined me during formative years. It nails my humor in a singular way. There have been times when I've felt lost, discouraged, depressed, and the only prescription that seemed to work was the friendly Jim/Dwight rivalry, a handful of ignorant Michael Scott comments, a dash of wacky Creed, and general Office camaraderie.

The clock just would not stop ticking as the "Goodbye Michael" episode neared. I didn't even want to watch it. I felt like a part of me would die or be lost. The Office without Michael is like chips with no salsa. Coke with no Diet. Danica with no Beard. OBVIOUSLY I was gonna watch it. But I was scared. Especially to watch it with The Beard. I knew I'd be emotional. And I've never really been a crier. But it was inevitable. The Beard would have to see that side of me sooner or later.

Well, it was sooner. I fell to pieces. Absolutely fell apart. Ryan's white tee sleeve was streaked with mascara. I couldn't believe it was happening. The moment between Jim and Michael melted my heart completely. The years of frustration and anger dissolved in the cathartic goodbye that wasn't. They did a fantastic job. It was hard, but it was time. I said goodbye.

Then it was goodbye to the LAO. No need to dwell on that. It's all been said and done.

When a student is struggling with a concept, the recommendation is to increase the FIT.

Frequency

Intensity

Time

I practiced my crying by increasing all three of these during Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 2. It didn't stop. My head was throbbing. The Beard watched with me and concealed his embarrassment. That's why I love him. It was really hard to say goodbye to Harry Potter. Again, something I've loved since I was probably 11. Harry Potter is amazing. J.K. Rowling saved books. Twilight is ridiculous (although I read them), Hunger Games are pretty awesome, and there are other respectable options for young adult and universally appealing fiction. But I think I'm right in saying nothing will touch Harry Potter. Ever, probs. I love to reread them. The movies got better and better. The geek humor of following Harry Potter religiously is incredibly endearing. Thank you, J.K. Rowling. Thank you Harry Potter.

Finally, I said goodbye to my last name. Danica Budge had such a nice ring to it. That's been my name. It's everywhere. Email, Twitter, all kinds of social media, all my online shopping accounts (which are numerous, I assure you). Social Security was a bit of a hassle. Changing my information with Nebo School District took a while. I still haven't even dealt with BYU. It's still a little weird when I habitually sign my name "Danica Budge." Have 200 kids call me "Mrs. Holdaway!" or "Mrs. HALDaway!" all day has helped with the tradition.

But you know what? I love being a Holdaway. I didn't shed a tear over that one. I've joined another family that I'm so proud to be a part of. I like to label myself as The Beard's by taking his name. It's an indication of our new little family. I'll always be a Budge. But now I'm a Holdaway. And it feels great.

This is What Marriage Looks Like:

At least for us.