There's an Alien Inside of Me! (Spoiler Alert: Not a Baby)

Nope, not pregnant. That is a quote from Modern Family, a favorite show, referencing the movie Alien, a favorite movie.

Thanks for all your concern on Instagram and Twitter. Here is the update - alive, not dying yet.

So I've basically been sick for a month. I had the flu over three weeks ago, kicked it just in time for a mild head cold to take center stage the week before Valentines, and then I was feeling almost better just in time to head down to St. George for the long President's Day weekend.

Huge Con of Being a Teacher: Sometimes it doesn't matter how many times a day you use hand sanitizer, how often you make them clean their desks, how much Vitamin C you take and how much sleep you try to get. Kids are germ factories and virus vehicles. You will get sick and remain at least 40% unwell from November-March.

But last week I got a new kind of sick. Everything I ate made my stomach hurt - not just churning or upset - like physical stabbing pains. The thought, smell and sight of food made me nauseous and I could barely eat. Sometimes the stomach pains were so bad I couldn't stand up straight and had to go lie down. Crackers, Pepto, Tums - nothing worked. I wasn't even sleeping because the pains were waking me up every few hours.

This continued, getting worse and better at times until I finally went to Instacare on Wednesday. Let's quickly review my symptoms - stomach pain, nausea, indigestion, weakness and headaches.

The doctor (a man. I'm sexist and always prefer women doctors/nurses) came back with the diagnosis of a urinary tract infection (UTI).

I almost laughed in his face. "Am I getting punked? Where's Ashton?!!!"

But my amusement quickly turned to anger as he wrote me a prescription for an antibiotic, told me to keep taking Tums and sent me on my way. Really? REALLY?!

Thursday I had a sub and spent most of the day on the couch sipping cranberry juice. Friday when I got to school I was dying, so the teachers kindly took care of my sub and told me to go get looked at.

Back at Instacare they found more white blood cells in my blood than is normal, indicating an infection. My stomach pains got worse and worse as they poked and prodded me.

"Does it hurt.... here? .... here?" "YES DAMMIT IT HURTS EVERYWHERE YOU POKE."

They send me over to Altaview Hospital to drink Iodine-Crystal Light cocktails and get a CT scan, where the cute and concerned Beard meets me. They make me leave the intrusive IV in my arm *just in case*, which sucks.

They find nothing, even as I sit there writhing in uncomfortable pain.

Eff my life. So I spent my weekend sleeping and chewing Tums, drinking lots of water and cursing Intermountain Health Care.

But I'm back at school this week, somewhat functioning, feeling a little better and praying I survive through Parent-Teacher Conferences this Wednesday/Thursday. (Friday off snitches! Sometimes being a teacher is rad.)

I Knew Going to FHE was a Bad Idea.

This is a story about when I realized that the Beard was IT. I thought it apropos since it's Valentine's week and all. **Incidentally it is also the story of one of the worst dates I've ever been on.**

Background

The Beard and I met in August 2009. We started hanging out in October and kissed in December. It was still really casual and cautious, and in March we both decided independently to be gone for the summer - Ryan in Arizona and me in England. We hung out more and more in April, realizing we really liked each other in the face of departure.

A week after we first met - the night he got my digits. Epic. 

The night before he left for Arizona, at the end of April, we had a really good talk about our expectations for the summer. We weren't even bf/gf at that point, so doing the long distance thing was clearly out of the question. The Beard was a bit of a commitment-phobe at the time and I had reservations about that. I also knew that he was going down there with his single dude posse, and that there would undoubtedly be  just scores of hot Arizona girls to occupy their limited down time.

As for me, this was the first summer that I didn't take classes and two months before I left. I was incredibly excited about have a "real" summer and though I really liked Ryan, I wasn't going to waste my summer stressing about a boy that wasn't here.

So we decided to have an awesome summer, stay in touch if we wanted to, and see what September brought back, with equal parts hope and pessimism.

FHE/DATE MARKET

Ryan left on a Sunday. Monday I got up, went to work, and had a very regular day. No tears, no sadness. I was pretty sure Ryan was going to forget about me and I can't STAND feeling clingy. I just decided to get over it, expect nothing, have fun and not even think about him. There were new adventures ahead.

When I got home, my cute roommate Natalie was getting ready for FHE and invited me to come. I LOLed a little.

Fun Fact About Danica: HATES Singles Wards. Hates FHE. I was semi inactive while in college, because I hated going to church so bad. I went to every farewell in Springville/Mapleton, went to my home ward often, and left early from my singles ward all the time.

Still. I was committed to meeting new people and having a blast this summer, so I went. Big mistake. I don't remember what we did, but we sat down in the big circle of chairs and instantly some boys came over to talk to us. I looked up and was instantly drawn to one of the guys, who saw me looking and walked toward me, smiling.

"Wow." I thought. "They really were right about singles wards. I am having a Taylor Swift moment with a guy I've never met. All because of FHE."

He sits down next to me, we exchange names and small talk, and then the Bishop gets up to start the lesson/activity/whatever we were doing. We quiet down. I was trying to be as charming as possible, obviously.

My mind is going a mile a minute. "What was that connection? Did he feel it? Don't get ahead of yourself, Crazy, he could have a girlfriend. Could I even date someone in my ward? That's an awkward story to tell our kids we met in a singles ward." Don't act like you haven't done this embarrassing thought train route before.

But then I started to notice all my judgy little things. "That's weird... why would I be attracted to a guy in construction-style dirty boots? Wait a minute. Those are Bugle Boy jeans. His hat is camouflage. What. What. What."

Let me be clear. I have no issue with many of those observations. It's just not my type. I was starting to question my mental health. Then he started talking again.

"Do you like Mexican food? I need a date for this week and I'd sure like to get some Cafe Rio!"

How did I not notice his hick accent before? And did he really just ask me out within 5 minutes of knowing me? I even thought I was attracted to this guy. I'm going crazy. I must be.

I accepted, because I will always accept a first date. Always. Any single girl who doesn't is a B*TCH. Who do you think you are, turning down a guy who worked up the courage to compliment you with a date?

As we left FHE, I'm in this weird shock. What just happened? I thought I had a legitimate connection with this guy. Am I crazy? He's 0% my type. The more I talked to him, the less I liked him.

Plus he was clearly fresh off his mission - he brought it up like 100 times and asked what my favorite scripture was. All the more apparent during our date... dun-dun-dunnnnnnnnnnnn...

THE DATE

The next morning he sent me a very next follow-up text. With one too many winky-faces. How many you ask? One. I'm mean. I know he was just trying to be nice. But a winky face is always creepy.

Two days later, he would pick me up 20 minutes early for our date (WORSE THAN BEING LATE) and proceed to offer a prayer over our Cafe Rio meal in the middle of the restaurant. Yes.  As always at Cafe Rio, there were no less than 10 people I knew there, watching. No that I'm ashamed of praying. I pray. Oh, do I pray. But am I wrong in thinking that maybe in the middle of Cafe Rio on a first date might not be the appropriate time/place for a verbal prayer? Regardless, I bowed my head and prayed with him.

The REALIZATION

After dinner, I politely declined his offer to watch a movie at his place. It seemed weird at 6 pm on a Wednesday night. Also he probably only watched the Living Scriptures, and man, sometimes Laman and Lemuel are just too much for me, you know?

I walked back into my apartment is disbelief. What a dismal date from such optimistic beginnings. 

So what was going on? What did it mean?!!!!

At that precise moment of confusion, my other roommate, Becca, walks up. I told her I just went on a date with that kid from FHE.

"WHAT? That guy talking your ear off all night? He totally reminded me of Ryan! He looks so much like him!"



........


Well.



There it is.

He had Ryan's same color and shape of eyes.  Brown hair. Big football guy build.

Bingo.

So I'm not gonna say that was the moment I gave up dating, because I went out with a handful of guys in those two months before England. But it was.

Cafe Rio prayer guy reminded me that there was no one quite like Ryan, and that I wanted to see where that went. I'm really glad the Beard felt the same way and spent his summer texting me between houses.

Because it went here.

Popcorn Popping over on Apricot Lane

They don't have popcorn. Sorry. I don't mean to false-advertise. It was just too catchy to pass up.

What they do have is a rockin store full of trendy and classic clothes, sparkly baubles and The Beard's favorite - a boyfriend COUCH (upgrade from the usual boyfriend chair) with a big flatscreen TV. That way he could sit and watch ESPN the whole time I cased the store.

Our friend Aubry contacted me a few weeks ago to see if I'd like to style an outfit for their lookbook. After my excited giggling subsided I coolly and calmly responded that I probably could do that for her. I guess.

So I went down and got to style an outfit from their impressive selection of tops, bottoms, layering pieces, accessories and crazy amounts of jewels. Pretty much the best day of my life. It was made all the more fun by Kirsten and Sarah's company.

As you guys know, I'm pretty minimalist. I can't even layer without feeling overdone. I end up peeling off my layers before I get to school.

You also know I'm a bit of a fan of monochromatic black/gray ensembles. The sleeker the better. Sometimes I feel like Angela on the Office. "What are your favorite colors?" "Well, gray, dark gray, charcoal..." So this coat was kind of a no brainer. Plus it was soft and comfy. Win-win-win.

Aubry suggested that I put together an outfit that would be a great Valentines Date Night look - probably because I looked like a deer in headlights over all of my options.

Personally I like to look somewhat obnoxiously pink or red or both on V-day, because I get overly excited for random holidays. Here's a second type of look for those of us who aren't in 3rd grade on Valentine's day. Don't be surprised that it's minimalist and black-based.

These coated jeans give the look of leather (which I LOVE) without the sticky, tight feel. They lend the perfect amount of edge. As you can tell, I'm a shorty in need of some tailoring for my pants...

This shirt drew me in immediately. The fabric is light, but thick enough to look and feel like tweed. Paired with the dark, tight jeans it has an academic-meets-street feel. This shirt is the perfect reason to shop at a chic boutique like Apricot Lane - you can't find this stuff at your friendly neighborhood Forever 21. And you're missing out.


Let's talk accessories. Their selection was insane. I somehow always think I need black and gold jewelry because I wear it so much (even though I've got strands and strands of it in my jewelry stand). The chunky black necklace adds some intrigue to the simplicity of the outfit.

And boy can you start a pretty awesome arm party with their bracelet selection. I opted for this thick metal and leather band. Could I have added 100 sparkly gold bracelets? Yes. Would the Beard like it? No.

"You're too jingly and pokey!!"

Moral of the Story: Go check out Apricot Lane and those girls' blogs. You won't regret it.

Also, how do I make this going to stores/putting together looks/blogging about it thing my full time job? Anyone out there wanna pay me to do all their personal shopping? Clothing market research? Dressing room quality inspector?

Anyone?

More #jrhighprobs for Your Reading Pleasure

A few weeks ago my bestie Katie suggested that I write more about the funny things that happen at school. I'll oblige.

I think a lot of people still view school, and history classes in particular as super ineffective, useless and boring. Textbooks and movies and date memorization. In reality, education has come a long way. We focus on small-group collaboration, DOING rather than TELLING, and focusing on big themes and concepts rather than date/fact memorization. The new "big thing" is standards-based grading - meaning we ONLY grade whether they meet the standard or not - no behavior, homework, effort,

Last week we were studying the theme of Movement as we did our Europe unit, so we had a lesson about things that originated in Europe and are now seen as "American" and are important to our lives. The list included things like blue jeans, hamburgers and hot dogs, the music of the Beatles, Adele, One Direction, Led Zeppelin, etc, and principles of government like democracy and republics.

We mapped these at their origins and then the assignment was to write one page on something that came from Europe that they think is important to America today.

Here are a few funny exerpts from their papers (I did not correct their original spelling or grammar, fyi)

• France is a very "legit" place.
• Your not American if you don't at least know what a hamburger is.
• The hamburger is the ultimate sandwich it is no ordinary sandwich, it has a big slab of beef that is so good that it will tickle your tastebuds.
• Hamburgers are so jucie and meaty, and just really good and talking about this is makeing me really hungry.
• Cheeseburgers are one of the main reasons in the US for Obesity. Cheeseburgers in my opinion are amazing.
• One Diretion sings like angles.
• One Direction is probably the second best thing that has happened to American girls. Justin Bieber is probably the best thing thats happen to us. 
• Adele also came from England. She writes songs that make people want to cry.
• Adele has perfect skin she has no acne.
• The Sex Pistols music is crap, I won't sugar-coat it. They sound like an infint walrus being thrown into a blender while still consious and I love them for it.
• Music has saved many lives throughout the years. Yes, it may also lead other to a more worse depression, but overall, most lives are saved from it. 
• Girls wouldn't have their cute diamond butt jeans and guys wouldn't have their silly saggy jeans.
• Fences make it so you don't need to look or talk to them if you don't like them. 
• With a fence you can keep the neighbors dog of your lawn and poop free.
• If your yard looks uglie you should protect and block with a fence.
• Democracy is one of the greatest things America has, and I hope we never lose it.
• Democracy made our lives so much better because we would have a king and we would have a good chans that he would be mean. 
• Republics are important to our government. We need both (meaning democracy) to balance it out so we don't go crazy and start shooting.  

So many days I wonder what I'm doing. If I'm having a positive effect on their lives. If they are even learning. If I can overcome the overwhelming circumstances in their lives that inhibit education.

Then I read stuff like this and realize that I couldn't pay for better entertainment. And for the most part, despite the spelling and grammar, they understood the assignment and will remember the theme of movement and globalization every time they listen to One Direction. Maybe even Democracy. :)

Then I feel better and love my kids for a few more days. Until another penis is drawn on my desks. 

Super Bo(red)wl

Last night I ate so much Cowboy Caviar. Too much. Probably thousands of calories.

Don't forget the Parmesan Baked Potato Halves with sour cream.

Or the classy cracker tray with cheeses and hummus.

Or the burgers grilled to perfection by our handome husbands.

Or E's muddy buddies that we ate by the fistful. Yikes.

That's how the Holdaways and the Findeis' do the Super Bowl.

B and the Beard shouted and analyzed, but me and E spent our time more wisely with Pinterest and Forever21.com. (These photos courtesy of E's Instagram.)

Glen Coco was LOVING the Puppy Bowl. He sat in front of the TV, even standing up to get closer to his little canine friends.

See that banner above the TV? Made it. That's right. Don't die of shock. I crafted something.

Don't be that impressed either. The hearts were from the dollar bins at Target....

Baby steps you guys.

A Plea to February

February, I could not be happier to see you.

I don't want to say January was completely awful.

But wasn't it?

So here's the deal, February. Here's what I'm looking for so that we can be friends.

- Sunshine. Even just a little. At least every other day. I'm not picky. But inversion? GTFO.
- Melt all the disgusting snow that's been on the ground since Christmas. Put it out of its cold, frozen misery.
- It's Black History Month, so I'm hoping to hear a whole lotta Morgan Freeman narration. 
- An awesome Superbowl Party with our besties the Findeis on Sunday
- The Walking Dead comes back February 10. February needs some gore.
-  A lovely Valentines day to celebrate the love in our lives.
- A 3-day St. George Baseball weekend. What's up 60+ degrees?!
- Harry Potter audiobooks for said trip. The Beard is getting the education of a lifetime in all things Harry Potter
- The Beard has a new job and things are looking great. We're talking evenings and even weekends together. Weird.
- Ward Basketball Regionals! My team is pretty baller. February, I'm counting on you to protect me from these crazy old ladies' "defense" (as I type with a strained and blood-blistered finger. Thanks Carol.)

So here's to you, February. Do me right. 

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