Just Call Me Amanda Bynes

Mostly just because that's what my life feels like right now. Do you ever feel like literally everything in your life is going fundamentally wrong? Well I do.

And I'm guessing that's how Amanda feels right now. Hang in there girl. You are absolutely crazy, but I really loved All That.

 

If anyone wants to go on a cupcake run, I could really use it. Text me and be amazed at how quickly I can demolish one. 

Six more days people. 

To Bangs or Not To Bangs

Every year since 2008 I've gone through this. I love bangs. I have wanted the chic, mod fringe ever since I was 14 or so. I have a super weird cowlick, though, so it wasn't until 2008 after a traumatic breakup that I worked up the courage to snip them.

(Dramatic hair changes and cookie dough are the best ways to get over a breakup in my opinion.)

Every spring I decide I'm sick of them. The cowlick gets out of hand, they won't fall straight, they won't cooperate, kill me now I'd rather be dead than deal with these FREAKING BANGS.

I'm paraphrasing and censoring, obviously.

Let the record show that I have no beef with the maintenance of bangs. I don't mind doing them every day. I DO mind the few occasions where they REFUSE to lie flat and instead create a gap on my forehead. See below. Ew. 

But then I start the dreaded process of growing them out. I feel like my face looks fatter. The cowlick is still my worst enemy. I hate the Lauren Conrad braiding back my bangs because it feel so 2007 to me. Headbands and bobby pins are a daily necessity, and I can't just blow my hair out because it looks flat - resulting in messy buns often (see below). I look ok about 30% of the time, I think.

So I'm asking for some help. My most trusted parties (The Beard and my mom) are split for bangs and no bangs, respectively.

What do you guys think? I'm sure I'll go back and forth a few hundred more times. But still - your opinion is valued here at Black with a Chance of Cheetah.

To Bangs?                                                             Or Not to Bangs?


                                    

It's a 10 Can Day

I usually measure my days in how many cans of Diet Coke I need to get through it.

"Today was only a 1 can day! It was awesome!"

"Shoot me in the face. 4 can day today."

Today really isn't a 10 can day. But it feels precarious. For the last week I've been feeling a little like I'm barely keeping my head above water.

Not water. Quicksand. Quicksand filled with razor blades. And alligators.

Wow. That got very Tarantino very fast.

Every time I cross something off my big "To-Do List" (I actually have 4 different to-do lists, categorized in Evernote. Thank you Evernote. You keep me sane), I add at least 2 more to it.When I try to relax I feel guilty and when I try to do everything I feel futile.

Between End of Year lesson planning, school check-out, squirrelly excited kids, getting roped into planning half of girls camp, working on a secret surprise for Ed's 50th, required study for my Boston Seminar, research for my 30 page paper, planning for back to back Hawaii and Boston trips, playing on soccer and softball teams,  and staying on top of basics like laundry, dishes and exercise.... HELP.

Is this real life? Is this being an adult? Because it SUCKS.

It's not all bad. I have so many awesome things to look forward to - Mitch's Graduation and State Tournament games. It's getting warmer every day. Memorial Day Weekend (maybe in Sunny St. George?). Lagoon Day. School getting out. A trip to Hawaii. My Boston Seminar.

But today with the cozy rain, my cuddly puppy and a to-do list begging to be abandoned - all I'm doing is fantasizing about laying in bed and leisurely reading something that has nothing to do with school, a Masters program, a book club or girls camp. 

Instead I'm repeating this mantra. As I drink my 10 cans.

Goodb-

I can't even finish typing the title. Don't even think about asking me to say it out loud.

I'm not really devastated. I'm just sad. I'm gonna miss it so bad. I'm scared that I'll never love anything as much ever again.

I'm nervous. I'm anxious that they won't end it exactly how I want them to. I'm so nervous to see Michael, and terrified that I won't see him.

I'm so excited to see what they do for us tonight. I'm so excited to celebrate 9 years of amazing. I'm so ready to have some closure and completion.

In honor of the greatest show ever, the true love of my life, the single thing that has best defined my personality and sense of humor, here are my top 5 Office Moments of All Time.

#5 Count Choculitis

This episode. Man. This is the notification tone when my bestie and fellow Office fan Katie texts me. Usually Office quotes. 

#4 "F#$@!!!!!"

This is the single scene that made me laugh the most I've ever laughed in my life. I can't explain why it was so funny to me. It just was. Me and Ed Budge were laughing so hard that Patti B had to stop the Tivo.

#3 The Fitness Orb

 Jim popping his Fitness Orb. CLASSIC.

#2 "He put my stuff in Jello again!"

This is the clip from the very first promo that made me LOL and know that I'd found a show that I'd love. Never looked back.

#1 Assistant TO THE Regional Manager

I don't need to explain this one. It's just a perfect culmination of everything. Throwback, frenemies, nonsense. It's perfect. And it made my cry harder than anything.

But really, this.

Don't Be a Bad Sport, Old Sport.

Who ISN'T talking about Gatsby?

I forced The Beard by pain of death to go to Gatsby this weekend on a double with Haley and her fiance Chris. He was less than thrilled. Who doesn't want to go to stuff they hate with someone who geeks out and dresses up for every occasion? Sounds pretty fun to me.

The Beard is a BIT of a contrarian. It's more extreme individualism. He's no robot. I am grateful for that. You like something? He hates it. If something is popular, it has to be garbage. It's not necessarily being a hipster. It's more that he just refuses to like/do/be things just because its expected.

He hates President Lincoln. If that tells you anything. Which it should.

He hated the book. "It's not a story! It's all this backstory and undeveloped characters and just because Fitzgerald writes amazing prose it's become this brainless classic!"

Therefore I guess he gets bonus points for sucking it up and going with me. I owe him like 100 hours of Red Sox baseball now. 

I disagree with him, however. Even though I also dislike the story, for the most part. Terrible people doing terrible things. The only real moral of the story is that you will lose things if you live carelessly. But I still liked the book because of it's few redeeming qualities, listed hereafter. The story sticks with you. I'm still thinking about it, days after seeing the movie.

I liked the movie more than the book and here's why - the parts of the book I liked the best were better represented in the movie than in my head.

The parties. Doesn't this just make you want to wear something sparkly and dance? I couldn't have pictured this in my head. The movie did a great job.

Gatsby's plan and backstory. I love that they took the time to explain and show where he'd been.

The infatuation, however selfish and unrealistic, between Gatsby and Daisy. I literally trembled (hate that I just used that word) at one of the romantic parts. Embarrassing, right?

And of course, the fashion. Goes without saying.

How can you not love it? The soundtrack has been on repeat since Saturday. I highly recommend it.

The Beard did say one thing that is 100% true.

"If at any point, ANY of the characters make the right decision, the book would have been over."

Gatsby is honest with Daisy about his upbringing/lack of wealth --> She either still loves him and commits or he realizes she's shallow and moves on. No book.

Gatsby is a hardworking, honest businessman --> He makes half as much money, accept reality, settles down with a nice women worth 20 Daisies. No book. 

Tom is a good husband to Daisy --> She loves him, doesn't wonder about Gatsby, no one gets their nose broken, no one gets hit by a car. No book.

Wilson is a good husband to Myrtle --> She loves him, doesn't cheat, no one gets their nose broken, no one gets hit by a car, Wilson doesn't shoot Gatsby. No book.

Myrtle doesn't step out on Wilson --> No one gets their nose broken, no one gets hit by a car, no one gets shot dead out of miscommunication. No book.

Nick doesn't facilitate the rendezvous between Daisy and Gatsby --> They don't have a torrid secret affair spanning East and West Egg. No book.

Daisy stops the car, takes responsibility for the accident --> No one gets murdered. We all learn about consequences. No book.

Because that IS the book - every character making every wrong decision and getting few, if any, consequences for it. In the end it's an allegory, though. Gatsby dies symbolically - they'll all meet their due eventually with the Great Depression quick on their heels. Excess breeds a fall from grace. Carelessness breeds despair. 

.... wickedness... never was.... happiness. Omg see what I did there?

And if they'd just joined the Church, just think how much happier their lives would be???

Her Hair is Full of Secrets

My mom is pretty cool. My friends have always been jealous of how cool of a mom I have.

A. My mom has always had great style and ALWAYS looks put together. Have you met my mom? Ever seen her with a greasy pony tail? Nope. Neither have I in 23 years. Those people exist in the universe. And Patti J is one of them.

B. A salon in my house stocked with every hair tool, product and makeup item the heart could desire - yeah, it's been pretty rad.

C. She's always super nice to everyone, all the time. She's a great listener (I think you probably have to be, to be a hairdresser) and everyone likes and trusts her. For this reason people tell her everything. She's the hub of all info and gossip you could ever hope to know.

Yesterday we went to the Draper temple - where I went through for the first time before we got married. I had Mother's Day on the mind and kept thinking of some of the greatest things about Patti B.

First, I obviously thought of when I went through the temple, since, you know, we were there. I remember every time I got nervous or confused, I just looked over at my mom next to me and she was just smiling and comfortable. I've watched my parents go to the temple every few Tuesdays pretty much my entire life. I remember thinking "If my mom does this and is happy and comfortable here so regularly, I can be too and that's what I want."

Then I thought about the first time I was really grateful for my mom and knew she loved me. I got my wisdom teeth out when I was 12 and I had to go to an oral surgeon because I had a random phantom extra tooth to be removed from my sinus cavity as well. It was pretty rough. I had to take a bunch of pain/antibiotic/puke my guts out pills every few hours, including during the night. I've always been really independent and could have easily set my own alarms and woken up to take my own pills responsibly. And I think my mom knew that. But she woke up every few hours during the night, even though she had to work, to make sure I took the pills and was feeling ok. I remember thinking "She doesn't have to do this. It must be a pain to wake up every few hours knowing she doesn't have to do this. But she's doing it, and its very reassuring to me."

She never missed a game!

Then I thought about the first time my mom made my jaw drop. We were at Seven Peaks and I was probably 10 or 12. She came to do the rope swing with us because Mitch was so little. She got in line. Ok Patti B. You're gonna rope swing? Wow. Alright.

She grabs the rope and takes a pretty aggressive jump. That's weird. She's planting her feet on the bottom knot. Ok that's a really high arc... what is sh---

SHE JUST DID A FREAKING BACKDIVE OFF THE ROPE SWING THAT'S MY MOM OMG OMG IS THAT MY MOM THAT CAN'T BE MY MOM OMG PEOPLE ARE CHEERING OMG THAT WAS UNREAL

My mom has literally never embarrassed me in my life. How many people can say that? Probably none. Sorry everyone.

I also acquired most of my fiesty-ness from my mom. She once called a lady in our ward and gave her the scariest talking to I've ever heard because she was rude to me after my 5th grade graduation and made me cry. It was awesome.

The thing I've grown to appreciate most about my mom as I've gotten older is that she takes care of herself and retained her own person. She runs every day. She even does Insanity now! As mentioned above, she always looks flawless, never sloppy. No one has ever or will ever accuse her of "letting herself go." She always made it a priority to go on dates with my dad alone every week - a tradition I want to adopt in my marriage when we have kids. She is always making friends and takes time to maintain her friendships. She loves to do hair, so she found a way to do it and still be a "stay at home mom." She reads often, keeps our house immaculate and makes the best bread you will ever eat. You'll never catch her sleeping past 10 on a weekend - because she has too much to do to make her life sparkle.

Your life sparkles just by touching hers. 

And it wouldn't be Mother's Day without mentioning my awesome Mother-in-Law. How I got so lucky to land a MIL that is so kind and welcoming, as well as just so COOL, I'll never know. Kitty made it a point to make me feel welcome in the family from the first moment I met her and I'll never forget that. She texts me about The Office, makes me my favorite delicious cupcakes and nurtures me like I'm one of her own. With so many of my friends around me stressing and complaining about crazy MILs, I have to quietly smile to myself. I don't want to rub it in their faces that not only is my MIL normal, but she's someone I WANT to spend time with whenever I can.

Love you Moms!

Who Wears Short Shorts? Not me. Gross.

I'm having a love affair with these shorts. Praise you, St. George Gap outlet. I got them for less than $20 and I should have bought every single color.

Awkward photo brought to you by SnapClap - the app I'm still trying to figure out since The Beard HATES taking outfit photos more than losing to the Yankees. I'm serious. And that's a lot. 

I wanted to wear them the first possible day that I'd have a chance to sit in the sun - and I planned on going to Mitch's Senior Day game today. (Unfortunately didn't happen as the game wasn't at 3:30 as planned. booooo)

However, shorts on the job is generally frowned upon if you are a professional of any kind. Here's my take on dressing them up so you CAN wear them to work and still look semi-serious about your job. Even though we all know you're daydreaming about summer and looking up the beaches of Kauai on your breaks. Just me? Oh. Welllllll

Fancy up your shirt. A classic button down is the way to go. Black was my option because... it's in the name of my blog. I love black. Dressy chiffon blouses or shells work well too.

Belt it! A coordinating belt ties it together and makes it look intentional. Also I had to buy these shorts a size too big so they'd cover up my testimony, so I have to wear the belt or I look like I'm a gansta.

Class it up on the ground level. Shoes, I mean. Pointy stilettos and shorts is such a cool look (see below. Drool. Repeat). A little much for school though, so I wore my trusty black sandal wedges.

"Mrs. Holdaway! You're so tall!!!" Now they can see me coming when I try to sneak up and steal their cell phones. :(

My Expert Opinion on How The Office Will End

We've been pretty weepy round these parts due to the finale nearing (and by WE I mean I...).

I can't even talk about it without crying. I email Katie every day about what a wreck I am, and thank goodness she understands.

I know. It's good that it's ending. It has never been the same since Michael left and it peaked clear back in seasons 2-4. I know. I get it. But it's just been this huge part of me ever since the very beginning and I just don't know how I'm gonna get over it yet.

Anyways. I try to stay away from spoilers as much as possible, but here are my predictions for how it is going to end.

The wedding at the end will be Dwight/Angela. Michael will come back (I know deep down this can't happen but I also know deep down that it would make me happier than anything in the entire universe.) to be Dwight's best man.

If the wedding isn't Dwangela, it'll be Andy (because Josh Groban is coming back) and he'll have made it big and marry someone weird. I'm thinking bad reality TV.

 

Pam will realize how much Jim loves her and what a priority the family is and will help him follow his dream with Athlead. They'll be living in Philly or LA or something cool like that.

Oscar will have a super hot gay boyfriend.

Kevin will have met someone adorable and sweet, like Lynn!

Meredith will be pretty much Meredith.

Toby will be revealed as the Scranton Strangler. Or he will end up with Nellie (ugh).

Creed will be Creed. I think he will probably end up being secretly a millionaire or something. Fake his death, run off to Bermuda. That kind of thing.

Kelly will come back married to hot Ravi. Prego. Twins.

Ryan will have a beer belly and/or track marks. He'll be single and miserable. (Can you tell I hate Ryan?) Or he'll have some super annoying job like with an MLM or something.

Stanley will have retired and be on his next wife. Happy as a clam.

Erin and Pete will be together. Whatever. Who cares about them.

Darrell will be killing it with Athlead and have some hot athlete/model girlfriend.

Clark will have a notable amount of zingers and have some kind of run-in with Jan. Yesssssss.

I know Roy is supposed to be a guest star, so it's either going to have flashbacks or... it better be flashbacks.

I'm so sad to see this go. But I'm more glad that it's been a part of my life for these last 9 years. I don't know how I'll grieve or say goodbye yet. But I'm workin on it. :)

Day to Night

Yesterday I wore one of my new high-low dresses to school (my latest obsession. Bought 2 on my last shopping trip. Yikes.), and we had dinner with the Holdaways planned for that evening. I thought all day about my outfit change for dinner so I figured - Hey. Why not make this an outfit blog post? Voila. Here goes.

I'm 100% for changing your outfit multiple times a day. But ain't nobody got time for that. Usually when I do, it's around a staple piece - a pair of jeans, a shirt or in this case - a dress. It took me less than 15 minutes to completely change my look for a little family dinner date. 

For school I paired this coral-y high low dress with a navy blazer and navy flats to ground it a little (this dress can easily scream "Long Hair Don't Care Also I'm Obsessed With Mermaids") and to look professional. Normally heels would be a good option, but it was a project day where I was running around and Thursdays are always my toughest schedule days - therefore, comfy flats.

You ALWAYS need a belt with a plain column (uncinched/ungathered/otherwise plain-fronted) dress. So I added a thin gold one to complement the warm coral undertones. Throw on a blue necklace and throw a quick bend in my ends and that's a pretty standard school outfit for me.

 

Dress: F21, Flats: Famous Footwear, Blazer: Cotton On, Belt: Gap, Necklace: F21

For dinner (or any other evening activity) you want to have a little more fun with it. I swapped the blue blazer for a cheetah cropped cardigan. I swapped the flats for a dark heeled bootie. And obviously I swapped the gold belt for a black one.



















I touched up my makeup with a bit more powder, undereye concealer (thank you blue circles under my eyes for making me look like I work harder than I do), hot pink creme blush and a swipe of mascara. A blast of dry shampoo, a few turns of the curling iron and Danica went from a classic but boring school day look to fun night out look.

Dress: F21, Boots: Famous Footwear, Sweater: H&M, Belt: Gap

I like the flats look better. It wasn't until I looked at these pictures today that I realized how short the boots and sweater make me look by hitting at unflattering points. Curse you, curves. Just kidding. Love you lots.

I don't take it back. It was a fun outfit to wear anyway. 

YOLO.